The Perils of Trainer Shopping (A how-to)

I recently bought some new trainers. As I didn’t make the sensible choice to do my research and buy online, I was subjected to the sad sad experience of post Christmas shopping/.

If we do not learn from the past, we are condemned to repeat it. So in this itemised list,I will warn you of the many things to expect on your journeys:

1. Set a very low and slightly unachievable budget, which even in the sale cannot cover half a pair of baby nike trainers.
2. Decide immediately that you want a very specific and obscure colour for your trainers and you will settle for no other colour, the shoe be damned.
3. Be a woman and immediately realise the shop has half the amount of trainers in its ladies section compared to the men’s. To top it off, the woman’s section of the sports shop will probably be either a) on the top floor, far away from anything or anyone else or b) tucked into the smallest hottest corner, leaving you to sweat and curse your way through the shopping trip.
4. Be briefly outraged at the apparent gender divide in shoes, but quickly drop it once you see the opportunity for some food, as the long suffering friend/partner/parent sighs along behind you.
5. Opt for a size too small, purely because the shoes look much nicer than any options they have in your clearly enormous feet.
6. Wonder whether your feet are weirdly big and google the average shoe size in the UK. Calm down once you realise this is irrational.
7.  Have an emergency google standing in front of the shoe racks. “best shoes for gym”, “best woman’s trainers” and “How to find a good trainer” now haunt your browser history forever, and you will soon be seeing adverts everywhere for better trainers than the ones you inevitably buy.
8. Take your coat off because of the stifling heat in the shoe shop, despite the fact it is -1 outside and mid December outside. Immediately lose coat and spend 20 minutes hunting for it.
9. Find a pair of trainers you like the look of and awkwardly follow a shop assistant around for several painful minutes while you try to politely get their attention. Give up and sit sadly on a shoe bench, single wrong-sized shoe in lap forlornly.
10. Buy a pair of trainers for slightly more than your budget  initially allowed and sweat your way through the checkout process, praying your card won’t be declined.